Hire me – An Open Letter

Open letter to cool brands who have hired celebrities and athletes to endorsement contracts:

Hire me.

Yes I know.  That’s a pretty bold statement.  You can go ahead and bing google me. You’ll find nothing of consequence. 

I haven’t won any athletic awards since before my mom bought me a Millennium Survival Kit.  I have yet to be featured on any celebrity magazines or websites.  Trust me.  Perez Hilton does not know who I am. 

The only red carpet I have ever been on was when my cousin got married this past summer.  And I almost tripped over that one.  I have never taken steroids or pleaded the 5th.  People magazine’s “Sexiest Man Alive” has never heard of me.  If I ever applied to BeautifulPeople.com I would not be accepted. 

You see, I’m just a regular guy.  I have a wife and kid and live in a house in a quiet neighbourhood in the city. 

I don’t consider myself average.  I’m just not a celebrity.  People don’t take pictures of me.  Check Flickr if you don’t believe me.

Here’s what I CAN offer you:  I’m real and authentic.  That’s my brand.  I represent the kind of person you want using your product. 

If you’re a clothing company I can assure you I wear clothes.  And being in Toronto (and this being winter) I wear lots of them.  I need various kinds of shoes to tackle various kinds of weather.  Sunglasses?  Ditto.  Food? I love to eat.  Cars?  I got my drivers licence.  I’m a consumer.  And I’m not loyal to brands (unless I get paid).

But not only that, I’m active.  I’m all over this fair city of ours.  (By the way, I will travel for money – Hello, Flight Centre!)  You can find me at trade shows, meetups, social gatherings, at baseball and football games, and at various drinking and eating establishments.  I’m an avid blogger and tweeter and my sister says I spend too much time on Facebook.

And if you ask anybody about me here’s the answer you’ll get:  He’s nice.  Now isn’t that the type of person you would want wearing your fine cologne or expensive watch?  I think so.

And here’s my guarantee to you should you decide to hire me:  I don’t have far to fall.  Unlike Tiger, Phelps, McGuire, Clemons, Letterman and various other “stars” my fall (which you are concerned about) will not be damaging.  To you.  Because there won’t be one.  In fact, there will be no fall into the TMZ world.

Here’s why:

  1. I have an implied code of conduct.  – Unlike Kobe, I live on a budget.  There is no way in hell that I would jeopardize free swag just for a little late night shenanigans.
  2. Although all press is not good press, you won’t have to worry about neither.  I won’t generate any press.  I’ll melt into the crowd at the local grocery store as I buy your tasty cereal.
  3. I’m very good at saying sorry.  So if I forget to put the snow tires you send me on my car and something unforeseen happens, I’ll say sorry.  And you won’t have to worry about a lawsuit.
  4. And if I screw up really bad (meaning the media and those damn bloggers find out I’m being paid by you) I’ll just lay low for a while.  I’ll stop tweeting, facebooking, and hobnobbing with Toronto’s social media elite.

So what do you think?  Don’t you wish your high-paid celebrity endorsers followed those same 4 steps?

You see, these are the things that the average mom and dad teach their children:

  1. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
  2. Don’t do anything to embarass your mother.
  3. Learn to say sorry.
  4. And if you make a mistake, it’s better to shut your mouth than to dig yourself into a bigger hole.

And it’s something that I promise I will do for you.

Now if you deem it inappropriate to hire a brand like Karim Kanji, I understand.  I mean, there is a chance I’ll be BIG someday. I mean REALLY BIG. 

So my advice to you would then be to hire that next person who fills your coffee cup tomorrow morning. 

They know a thing or two about being human. 

Hire them.

Regards,

Karim Kanji
karim_kanji at hotmail dot com